Wednesday, August 2, 2006, 11:30 PM
This one goes out to any advertising agency involved in trying to win clients. In the unlikely event of you landing on potential new business, please listen to the following announcement.A small delight provided by my job of marketing manager is to see how ad agencies try to portray themselves as being a bit different. Stand up the Energy Marketing Group, who sent me possibly the most generic email I have ever received, repeated word for word here:
WHY WE ARE DIFFERENT:
We believe we are different and that our strengths lie in a combination of expertise of strategic marketing and a thorough knowledge of event production. We listen to what the client wants to achieve from a PR and marketing perspective, and then create the ideas to bring the brand to life and communicate a message through the event. Last of all we then implement imaginative and creative solutions that are memorable & measurable.
This is equivalent to saying that a human being is a bit different because they have a regular need for water, food and air.
I was inspired to recreate this for them, to write a couple of lines of copy that would really get marketing managers sitting up and taking notice. Here is the result:
WHY WE ARE DIFFERENT:
Our favoured method is to disregard what the client says, ignore all the research, and place our faith in a small community of weasels that we keep in a pen outside our office. We collect their droppings and use this pattern as a basis for our art direction. Copywriting is done by a small dog that is trained to walk back and forth across a computer keyboard. We prefer to deliver our work late, as to deliver it on time is to suggest that it was too easy to do - our motto is "work worth waiting for". Our work has won prizes for forgettability across the globe - we can't remember which ones, though.
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Tuesday, August 1, 2006, 10:10 PM
Located within striking distance of London is the strategically-located Hemel Hempstead - a double-barrelled character of a town with its very own Holiday Inn. Take refuge from the soothing buzz of the M1 within the plush confines of this retreat. Despite the name, the Holiday Inn has not witnessed a single person on 'holiday' since 1993, when a confused couple from Kentucky pitched up, confident that it would provide a useful base from which to explore the well-known Hempstead Heath.
Since then, this traditional 'Inn' has acted as an ideal staging ground for forays into the vigorous world of Dixons, several hundred metres away. Tense-jawed salesmen with thousand-yard stares key in last-minute typo corrections in their Powerpoint slides whilst ladies scoop up trays of half-finished cappuccinos. The gentle trill of mobile phones and Sky News punctuate what is otherwise the quintessential Hertfordshire afternoon.
The tourist office is currently experiencing technical difficulties, but Hemel Hempstead is less than one hour's easy drive from Heathrow Airport. Children and women are welcome.
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Tuesday, August 1, 2006, 12:41 AM
A darker mood. I was told that a kind, interesting and intelligent man who I had had the pleasure of working with took his own life yesterday. Never would I have guessed that something like this could happen to someone like this. I don't know what of the many things I could wish for with someone in this situation. I don't think that words will do the job this time, but you will be missed.
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Friday, July 28, 2006, 02:32 AM
Tonight saw the farewell party for my colleague Duncan, who is spreading his wings and flying Down Under for a new life. The company turned out in force, boarding a special 'party bus', which is basically a London double decker with some balloons and a portable karaoke amp. Ought to try that more often. The assembled guests seemed rather happy with the arrangement as we sped into the West End, particularly Messrs Hoshino and Saigusa.
An evening full of merriment, burgers, alcohol and silly singing, the assembled Fuji-ites got straight on with the business of getting as thoroughly off their proverbial mammaries as possible. It may have been a school night, but the last tube home came and went, and we ended up in a place called Ruby Blue in Leicester Square. This club was chock full of ladies and boys whose level of availability was scrawled right across their desperate faces as they nervously put away the WKDs. It's only when you are familiar with London cab prices that you realise that the need to pull someone can have significant financial benefits as well. Not for the first time, I felt a little old for it all, and decided to make a move for the night bus.
Perched on the top deck on the way home, I sat by the CCTV monitor, and reflected on how we only ever see this grainy security footage of people who have either done something bad, or had something bad happen to them. The girl in the picture here is an exercise in simply portraying a normal human being through the eyes of a CCTV camera. But still, you can't help look at it without getting that faintly sinister feeling of foreboding.
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Monday, July 24, 2006, 10:13 PM
Impending fatherhood is one of the major events that has made me want to start this whole writing thing.
I was in the supermarket today and picked up an item of food where the best before date is after the due date of our baby. That is quite a big moment, believe me. If you want to try it for yourself, the effect is particularly strong in the fresh pasta aisle of Sainsburys.
Spent the weekend in Germany with Mayke, and each time I see her, it has grown. By a couple of milliseconds, the tummy tends to be the first thing to enter the room, closely followed by Mayke herself. It is neither pointed forwards, nor really wide - it's just very rounded. I feel the kicks and the odd movement - however all that Mayke seems to be worried about at this point is that the little one may have a head the size of mine. Personally, I'm trying to remain optimistic.
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