Thursday, May 10, 2007, 12:12 AM
This week's Crap Airline Sandwich Award goes once again to Lufthansa, an organisation that has yet to work out that sometimes it's worse to do something badly than it is to not do it at all.When you are used to budget airlines and the concept of getting no food whatsoever with your journey (fine by me), one's business trip brings a pleasant surprise when you see the elegant Lufthansa stewardesses moving down the aisle handing out what appears to be food. This hope trips headfirst down the stairs of reality once you are handed a little bag containing an item that would cause the Earl of Sandwich to gyrate in his grave.
A Lufthansa sandwich consists of two pieces of bread the size of playing cards, clamped either side of a manically-depressed piece of cheese. This is a sandwich that would lose out in a taste challenge to a block of Post-It notes.
To add a mocking tone to the whole thing, someone has added a vindictive little message to the bag - 'Discover Flavour', which is possibly the most inappropriate piece of food labelling there is. I am struggling to work out what could possibly have necessitated this:
"So, Jürgen, we have created a food offering that is pikier than anything else in the skies. Are we satisfied?"
"Well, Klaus, I think that we can go for glory here - you see, as the passenger decides whether to eat our apology for a sandwich, we should write something on the packaging so colossally inappropriate that it will move some passengers to violence".
"You have excelled yourself once again - I'll get onto the printers right away".
I'm fortunate enough to know where my next meal is coming from, and I'm sure that this sandwich would make a great many families on this planet happy. This is why I hate to see such an overpackaged, unappreciated gesture made to a planeload of well-fed men in suits.
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007, 01:02 AM
I've become mildly fascinated with this stuff that they call 'climb-proof paint' that one sees coating lamp-posts and road sign supports. What exactly is climb-proof paint and how does it work? It looks like a sort of rough, textured grippy thing, not greasy in the slightest, and were I to be pissed-up and 16, its very name would probably make me want to see if I could defeat it. But I'm 32, and a responsible father, husband-to-be and conscientious professional, so I probably shouldn't.I have to concede that the absence of pissed-up 16 year-olds on the top of lamp-posts is testament to the fact that it probably works.
Which brings me to my utterly daft thought of the day - what if you painted a ladder in climb-proof paint. Which would win the day? The battle of gravity and chemicals versus wood and physics would be an intriguing one.
Note to Radio 4 - I am available for Thought For the Day on Wednesdays and Fridays.
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Friday, May 4, 2007, 01:46 AM
Captured in Cricklewood, here is a delightful vignette of picture-perfect Britain, redolent of all of the qualities that give us our unique island atmosphere.
The British seem content with sitting back and almost revelling in the jaw-droppingly depressing surroundings that we sometimeslive in – our therapy lies in the publication of ironic books called things like ‘Shit Towns’ that lurk on the shelves of Books Etc and Waterstones, appealing to vulnerable, undecided visitors. Once we are able to laugh about it, there seems to be nothing wrong in tolerating an overturned trolley at the end of the road.
However, I have just been on the receiving end of something quite remarkable. Having routinely failed to reach my local council (the ‘contact us’ page on www.camden.gov.uk seems to be a distressingly twisted piece of irony; a page that might as well be swathed in razor wire and camouflage netting), I was told about a site called Neighbourhood Fixit, that is basically a map crossed with a working council response unit. You literally navigate to a location of your choosing, place the pointer on the troublesome spot – your concern might be the carcass of a burned-out Toyota Corolla or the thoughtful musings of a local gang sprayed on your wall, and then you explain what the problem is on the online form.
To my utter astonishment, my casual playings-around on this site elicited a real, genuine response email written by a human being from Camden Council within 24 hours of my submission. It was then followed up by someone even more helpful, who wrote to me explaining what they were going to do about the abandoned rubble sacks left in front of my home. It is one of the absurd things about the web that your attempts to reach an organisation via their own website are doomed to failure, but when a natty new idea comes along, you are Customer Number One. A delicious layer of motivation is also that the councils have now realised that their problems and inaction are now potentially a matter of open source and public access - therefore they'd better address matters pronto .
*Please note that the rubble sacks have as of the time of writing not been picked up by the council, but I am still coming to terms with the shock of receiving two real emails written by their staff, so I will keep you posted.
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Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 12:13 AM
Camden High Street, Monday 12.12am
Hanover Street, Monday 4.05pm
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Friday, April 27, 2007, 12:19 AM
I am very pleased and excited to report that this site can now carry YouTube videos without having to link to other sites. No time to dig out anything novel at this point, but I thought I would kick things off by posting my favourite movie moment, taken from the peerless 'This is Spinal Tap'. I have possibly laughed more at one or two other movie moments, but this one has the most staying power. At least you will understand it next time someone tells you that a device can be turned to 11.[ add comment ] | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink
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