Thursday, February 26, 2009, 10:55 AM
Brussels (AP)
The European Parliament voted this week to pass legislation that would effectively ban the use of the word 'some' as a unitary measure of violence.
Aimed to curb widespread use of the term "do you fucking want some?" in casual urban social disagreements, the measures will require consumers by law to specify the precise measure and category of "some" that is being offered.
"The lack of clarity in the current situation is alarming" said Gert Van Der Wayheydeen, European Commissioner for casual violence. "Young men throughout Britain and Europe are finding themselves in a potentially confusing situation of being unable to gauge the volume and nature of 'some' that is being offered. Our job is to remove this ambiguity in order that all parties can benchmark their appetite for a kicking against clear and consistent measures".
“We have nothing against mindless, drunken violence” assured Van Der Wayheydeen, “but when an enormous, scarred skinhead strides up to me and knocks my beer and chips into my lap, it is a human right to know whether a cheeky comment will land me in hospital or not”.
Brussels legislation will now result in all local nightspots being issued with tear-off forms to act as a pilot scheme to ensure that the new measures take effect. The F126a 'pre-assessment of violence form' will require participants to draft a formal contract of services being offered, including slaps, pathetic street wrestling, oblique blows to the head, and portions of fast food being emptied over the recipient's head. A notable omission however, is that of a common pub weapon, the pint glass - participants will now be legally required to calculate the unitary equivalent in litres before it is aimed at someone’s skull.
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Monday, December 15, 2008, 09:50 AM
I have a simple solution to the recession we seem to be hurtling towards. My suggestion is actually a teensy weensy bit serious.
If we all agreed that we would stop buying newspapers and magazines, stop turning on TV programmes until they started spreading some optimistic news, the economy will have fixed itself by the end of January. It doesn't get any simpler and less painful than that.
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Sunday, August 31, 2008, 11:31 PM
Flew back from Germany this evening, and felt it was worth remarking on the evolution of security checks at airports. This time, the German official greeted me, frisked me, felt inside my belt, checked my shoes and then gave me a nice pat on the bum. That's the caring side of post 9-11, and frankly we should have more of this.[ add comment ] | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink
Tuesday, August 26, 2008, 09:20 PM
I read with interest the news story about a white supremacist plot to assassinate Barack Obama. I'm very glad it has been thwarted.
Still, I was perplexed at their choice of target. Surely the man who has done more to undermine the notion of the supremacy of the white man is the current president, not the next one?
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Monday, August 18, 2008, 11:56 PM
It often gets said that you should take care when travelling late at night on public transport. Through a thick fog of booze and drugs, unsavoury individuals lurk within the shadows, blades and broken bottle flash under the weak, cheap orange gleam of streetlights, and fellow passengers are paralysed by a deep fear of getting involved in any ugliness. You're on your own, even if you are not.
And yet this is really simplifying things.
I rode the notoriously dodgy Silverlink overland train through North London for 18 months, very often late at night, and I never had an experience like the other day.
The other day I was travelling on the Silverlink (now named Overground) at about 11am back from a physio appointment in Hampstead and stumbled across a vision that could have easily emerged from one of Hieronymous Bosch's most gruesome paintings. Basically, whilst everyone who earned a wage was at work, the train was given over to a baying, mostly female crowd of carnivorous, drug-addled mums, vicious, drunken kids and fights just waiting to be had. There were face-offs for merely looking at each other, and the only peaceful-looking people were pensioners who had been welded to the floor by fear or dementia. Nothing bad happened, but then I realised that the brake on most nastiness at night is the idea that there are a vast number of able-bodied, good Samaritans out there. It doesn't always work, but its a decent deterrent.
So next time, you fancy a hard, blunt view of society similar to that portrayed by City Of God, you'd be best advised to go out when Richard and Judy is on. But you won't like it.
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