Thursday, March 29, 2007, 12:00 AM
I came across this, and wondered to myself if anyone has even devised a less catchy, less laboured tagline in movie history. I mean, making a biopic of a famous female novelist is not going to get you entered into the greatest film taglines of all time., but you could at least create one that does not just massacre the English language through repeated use of the word 'and', but also put you to sleep.
If these same people had done Jaws 2, the tagline would be:
"Just when you thought about going for a swim again, you thought about the possibility of being attacked by a shark"
And Alien:
In Space, if you get attacked by scary monsters, your screams won't be heard. Because air is necessary to carry sound."
I'm sure that Jane Austen could have shown them a thing or two on how to craft a pithy phrase....
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Monday, March 26, 2007, 12:38 AM
And why not drop in the odd restaurant review?
You have never had cake like this.
Each of these portions is adequate for a family of five. A family of five silverback gorillas, that is.
The cups of coffee and plates in this picture are actually a pretty poor way of giving perspective, as they themselves are in fact, supernormous in size. Each cup contains a good litre of latte.
If you fancy becoming the size of a fridge, then you should make this place your local - it is the Cafe Kontor in Burg Auf Fehmarn - the lovely little port where I'm getting married this summer. You can sit outside in the sunshine, hear the gulls squabble high up in the breeze, and watch the comings and goings among the trawlers. Cafe Kontor makes the perfect vantage point, and the food is a good excuse to extend your stay - you'll need it. In fact, I could sort my wedding cake out just by ordering a couple of their portions - that should cater for over one hundred. I can heartily endorse going here, because the cake is not only massive, but it's also delicious.
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Sunday, March 25, 2007, 03:09 AM
Put a camera in my hand, send me to a small harbour, and I will be in my element. Lobster pots, buoys, prows, names, nets, scales, winches and even the smell are just an irresistible combination for me. Rust, brine, diesel and fish combine to create an atmosphere that is repeated in port after port, wherever in the world you find yourself. Modernity doesn't really seem to creep in to these places - the odd radar here, the odd UHF radio there, but underneath it all is a solid faith in the basics that have been there for centuries.
The only thing I hate is going into a dockside snack bar, and ordering fish that comes out of a frozen bag, and was probably caught back when Robbie Williams was in Take That.
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Thursday, March 22, 2007, 11:51 PM
A slightly embarrassing episode here:I am making arrangements for our wedding in June - first of all in a UK registry office, and then in a German church service. German religious ceremonies are not legally binding, which is why we need the civil one first of all.
Anyone who wants to marry in a UK registry office needs to pre-register, and it is with this in mind that I called my local council to make an appointment.
The lady was very helpful, and quickly established with me that I was making an appointment for a civil partnership - I explained where my partner was from, explained when my partner was arriving in the country, and gave every last detail possible. After about ten minutes of taking details, the conversation went something like this:
Council "When does your partner arrive in the country?"
WR "About ten days before the appointment with you."
Council "Ok, that's fine, so all they need to do is prove that they have been in the country for seven days"
WR "Um... ok, is it all right if she comes with her boarding card?"
Council "Sorry, what did you just say?"
WR "I asked if it was ok for her to use her boarding card as proof of how long she'd been in the country?"
Council "I think there may have been a mistake here"
WR "Oh. Why?"
Council "I have just entered you on the system for a civil partnership, but from what you've just said, it appears that you are not in a same-sex relationship. What you are actually after is a civil wedding ceremony."
WR "Yes, I think that would be better"
Council "Right - let me just put you through to the correct person"
"Click"
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007, 08:27 PM
Anyone who commutes to work in London may be slightly taken aback by this image. It's not that it's a tube train (duh), but it's that there are no people in it whatsoever.
This is not a photoshop job, and nor have I cheated by climbing aboard an empty one in a depot - this is a normal Bakerloo line service running at about 10pm.
The absurd thing is that I tried to use the Bakerloo line last week at 8.30am, and had to wait for three trains to go by before I could squeeze on. It was so rammed, there was barely air to breathe - faces rammed into chests, limbs and hands clambering for something to hold on to, strangers' faces appearing from underneath newspapers and small children disappearing almost without trace. I notice that Londoners all adopt a similar expression when pressing themselves into these cattle trucks - it's not dissimilar to the one seen when people are suffering from trapped wind. Only a bit more stoic.
One day, in a decade when I am long retired, it will dawn on society that it's a bit daft that we all force ourselves to travel simultaneously - I mean, what would a toilet look like if everyone forced themselves to travel to the loo at the same time? If technology enables us to work at different times, and we get rid of the 9 to 5 model, then I think that everyone will welcome the chance to sit down in a tube carriage. That is, unless you have a passionate fetish for being pressed into a sweating IT managers' armpits...
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