Thursday, November 30, 2006, 01:12 AM
I'd like to rather belatedly wish all those reading this blog a happy Christmas. I have been meaning to do it ever since the Christmas decorations went up in Oxford Street at the end of October, but I simply haven't got round to it. Still, better late than never. I also cleared up a bit of a mystery today - I finally got to find out who designed Christmas:
Somehow, the creative masterplan provided by Debenhams got lost among the naff stories of shepherds, babies, stars and cheap scented gifts brought by wise men. I had never paused to think through who was behind it all, so hats off to this distinguished old brand for modestly keeping stumm about it for so long.
Being in the advertising/marketing industry, I like to keep my finger on the pulse, and I can exclusively reveal that Tesco is sponsoring Christmas 2007 in a deal worth £4.8bn. They have got shirt logo rights for Santa and they are remaining tight-lipped about new bespoke carols:
"While shepherds watched their stocks at night"
"Oh come all ye Clubcard holders"
"Ding dong merrily on the high street"
In a statement to the City, their Chief Executive explained that the stores had a daily footfall 3,500 times bigger than that of the country's churches, and so it made sense to bring Christmas to the people. "We'd like to wish everyone the Finest* Christmas", he said.
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006, 12:53 AM
The view from yet another black cab as it makes its premium way through London's streets.
That'll be thirty-four quid please, mate.
I only bring the rather boring subject of taxis up again because of how much we trust the bloke driving to not have an accident. I have noticed how otherwise cautious people blithely jump in the back and make themselves comfortable without making themselves safe. On one of my journeys this week, a driver got distracted by another vehicle, and momentarily forgot that he was headed for a parked car. My rather hurried reminder from the back seat rediverted his attention back to the day job and I lived to ride another day. These people are not automatons - they have all kinds of things on their minds, and it's not always driving. The one event that convinced me to wear a belt was a few years ago - seeing a crashed black cab with a person-shaped hole in the windscreen.
The driver was still in the front seat, and I will spare you the details.
That would be a very pricey ride indeed.
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Friday, November 24, 2006, 02:20 AM
If you are reading this blog on your home PC using Internet Explorer as a browser, the I suggest you don't. Much better is the free Firefox browser, which is more virus-resistant, and has many more cool features.
It has one feature called 'Stumble' which allows you to literally chance upon great sites that the rest of the Firefox community has landed on. For instance, if it weren't for Firefox, I wouldn't have stumbled upon a little masterpiece like the one that you'll see if you click HERE.
If you like my site, then you just click on 'I like it' in the Firefox Stumble menu, and then other souls will chance across it.
If on the other hand, you think that this site is a waste of bandwidth, then you also have the the option of saying "no more like this".
Now that's power. Over to you.
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Thursday, November 23, 2006, 10:25 PM
Staying on sporting heroes, if any world-class athletes are reading this on the eve of inking a lucrative ad deal, please consider the following pattern of fates:In the run up to World Cup 2006, you could not pass a billboard without seeing the Gods of football stare down at you - Ronaldinho's snaggle-toothed grin or David Beckham's feline, wry smile. Meanwhile, an ambitious campaign by mortgage providers Northern Rock portrayed Michael Owen on a luggage belt with the headline "please bring him back in one piece". The superstars were ready to roll.
However, Beckham and Ronaldinho were spectacularly ordinary in the World Cup they were expected to set alight, and Michael Owen's knee collapsed unexpectedly and inexplicably in the match against Sweden.
The sporting deities look unkindly on these lucrative ad deals and have their own special way of bringing you back down to earth,
The latest victims of this curse stare imperiously down at you from the windows of NikeTown in Oxford Street. The England Rugby team line up like spring-loaded action heroes, complete with breast implants. I certainly wouldn't spill their pints, but my point is that they are currently struggling to beat any nation ranked above Nepal. Meanwhile, the All Blacks demolish pretty much anything in their path (they could probably sort out insurgents in Iraq, come to think of it), and you would have to look long and hard to find their faces on any billboard.
Still, looking more closely at these England players, they don't look particularly cheerful, and they have removed their rugby tops, so they are presumably about to exchange them with the ecstatic Moroccan first XV.
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Thursday, November 23, 2006, 12:01 AM
Those who have claimed that Wayne Rooney has a face like the back of a bus may be able to smile smugly here - there is no arguing with this picture. The footballer-turned-author is plugging "My story so far" - a story of his life. Up to now.
The book has a beginning, a middle, but he has opted for the knuckle-gnawingly frustrating tactic of leaving off the end. You're left hanging there just where he stopped writing - inspiration probably drifted away on a wet Thursday after training with Manchester United, so he sent it to print. To be fair, he makes no bones about only taking you up to a point in time known as 'so far'. This is the book you simply have to read if you are dying to find about the heritage of a footballer who may just turn out to be a load of hot scouse air. I am sure you can read about how he bedded a fruity Toxteth grandmother, dealt with being the biggest anticlimax of World Cup 2006, got into a few scraps on and off the field, and you'll get a moving and perceptive portrait of Colleen into the bargain. Perfect for mum, dad or the kids. Or granny.
Personally, I can't picture him in 2016 as a lithe, athletic 30-year old, so my bet is that we will get the next installment in about 5 years, and then that will be it from Rooney the player.
I'll also lay a bet that he will not lift aloft the World Cup in 2010, so it can be regarded as uncharacteristically smart of him to branch into writing at this early stage.
To be serialised in The Sun...
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