Will Rolls

National pride

Will Rolls — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 06:13:57 GMT

Right this very moment, I am sitting on the train to work (the joy of wi-fi), and opposite me is sitting a sleeping Japanese tourist. He is wearing a T-shirt adorned with UK national insignia - the royal coat of arms and a union jack. And beneath it all is spelt the word:

BIRTAIN

Has anyone heard of this place? I think this is a result of either the sloppiest ever piece of product quality control, or clothing from a new designer who takes irony to new and ultra-cool levels.
If it is the latter, then obviously I want one.

When hard ain't good

Will Rolls — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:14:43 GMT

I saw Jamie Lidell last night at the iTunes Festival in Camden. It really was a great show, but it had a frustrating side that demonstrated an interesting aspect to skill that I had last noticed in my 'own area' of photography.

Put in a nutshell, performers should learn that doing difficult stuff does not necessarily mean that it is good stuff.

Jamie Lidell is a horrifically talented musician with a voice so soulful, so good, it would give him a lead billing in Motown. He adds to the appeal by looking unexpectedly nerdy, like a database specialist going on a first date. He is confident, has a great band, charisma, but he also has an achilles heel...

His gig kicked off with his new hit 'Another Day', which is a toe-tappin' feelgood soul classic. This is the kind of song that would see you grab a random household object like an egg whisk or small child, and use it as a microphone. But hold on, there was an ominous-looking bank of laptops and dials on the stage, and the closer Jamie Lidell got to them, the more a feeling of foreboding crept across the crowd - surely he wasn't going to log on?

Sure enough, after only two songs, he bade farewell to the band and proceeded to develop a lengthy and self-indulgent sonic slurry of loops, yelps, beatboxes and harmonies, with the laptops sandwiching it all together to perfection. It looked tricky to do, but it was about as listenable as standing by a motorway during a hailstorm. Even his most diehard fans stopped punching the air in exhilaration. He got the momentum back when the band made a welcome return to the stage, but this tedious interlude had robbed the gig of greatness.

Same thing applied to me when I did loads of photography. I realised that people sometimes ignored shots that had been technically difficult, and complimented instead the mere 'snaps' that I had taken without giving the shot much thought. Initially, I felt they were mistaken, and put more effort into the technical stuff, but to no avail. Gradually, you have to learn that the stuff you put all your effort into can sometimes not be worth it.

Inventive vandalism

Will Rolls — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:23:26 GMT

I never cease to marvel at the limits of human endeavour. We visit space, cure diseases, start wars, stop wars, clone sheep, create exquisite works of art, invent the iPhone and then we take the opportunity to peel the letters GL off recycling bins for a bit of a laugh.

Commuter says no

Will Rolls — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:11:26 GMT

Now I am living in Peterborough, a lot of people ask me what the commute is like, and their wincing expression as they ask suggests that they perceive commuting as a subject as pleasant as having your testicles transplanted.
In actual fact, commuting from Peterborough is jolly nice, as long as you are able to foot the wallet-lacerating season ticket. I get 46 minutes of utter calm and peace and quiet as pristine English countryside whistles by.
The only thing that could interfere with this (but I derive a certain entertainment from it) is a businessman who sits in my carriage and follows an absolutely baffling routine every morning. He opens his laptop, checks his emails, and then gets on the mobile to what seems to be the same person every day. Each and every time, the conversation revolves around an email that went out the previous day to Sainsburys (clearly this guy works for a food manufacturer), that has gone down rather badly. Our man in the carriage then goes through a thesaurus of management wafflespeak, suggesting that they 'drill down', 'touch base', 'pull together' and 'work out a strategy' to repair the damage done by the previous day's email. He always calls a meeting and suggests that they bring in a bloke called Martin so that they can 'drive forward'. This episode would be unremarkable if it happened once, but the sheer comedy regularity of this same routine means that I can rub my hands in expectation of yet another morning damage limitation exercise. I am sure that, whoever 'Martin' is, he will soon realise that the best way to 'drive forward' is to get rid of said email writer and not send any stupid messages to Sainsburys in the first place.

I am a tosser

Will Rolls — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:07:27 GMT

If you like the image above, then the same type of abstract artwork is within your reach - all you need is a camera that you are prepared to break if the worst comes to the worst.
Simply go into a dark-ish area where there are interesting light sources all around (a bar or pub lends itself well to this), turn the camera's flash off, set the self-timer, and then hurl the camera spinning into the air as the picture is taken. Ideally, you should then catch the camera too. After a bit of trial and error, you could end up with rather pleasing results...

Hmmm

Will Rolls — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:05:13 GMT

A whole load of entries has just disappeared. Most unfortunate. I will make amends right away...

An ad that blew me away

Will Rolls — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 19:26:35 GMT

I have to say that this ad is really magnetic, and not too clever too. I won't say what it is for, as that would ruin it:

Reader, I wept...

Will Rolls — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:44:49 GMT

I stopped, transfixed in front of the window of Books Etc when I saw this.
As a major product push to their new 'Feed your mind' campaign, they are pushing Jordan's autobiography. In it, you get to read about her tits, her kids and her husband. You also get a deep insight into her breasts, norks, baps, funbags and hooters. That includes her tits.

Falser gunk

Will Rolls — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:13:44 GMT

I was out with a friend this evening, and we were slap bang in the centre of London and running out of time, imagination, and looking for affordable, convenient places to eat. We walked past the front of a Garfunkels, and I realised I had walked past these restaurants thousands of times without even contemplating going in there. It's a form of food racism, similar to what I feel for Angus Steak Houses - I don't even come close to entertaining the thought of eating there - such an abstract concept, you might as well suggest grabbing a quick meal at Phones 4U.
Anyway, assisted by a couple of pints and reassured by the branding, I snapped out of my reverie, and suggested that we go in 'just to see what it's like'.

I'll save energy on this entry, and just cut to the chase - Garfunkels is avoided by every Londoner because it is a truly horrible place to eat. In fact, you don't even have to consume food to realise that it is nasty.

I have experienced National Rail ticket inspectors more engaging than the staff, and the proudly-priced food arrives staggeringly fast (destroying the illusion that 'someone' 'made' it) and has all of the taste of a sheet of A4 paper. You receive the bill as you take your last mouthful, and you are practically ushered onto the street, along with the rubbish bags that they are carting through the place. To call Garfunkels a restaurant is to call Robert Mugabe a politician.

All I can do to gain closure and put the episode behind me is to give you an anagram of the name of the place: Falser Gunk

Rage against the war machine

Will Rolls — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:32:00 GMT

This fascinating picture is on of many similar images you can obtain if you use Google Maps to look at the southern part of the Arizona city of Tucson.

B52 bombers sitting in the hot desert air, swatted like flies by the massive hand of history. Basically, in the thawing of the Cold War, the Russians and the Yanks were in a quite standoffish position where both parties wanted proof that their weapons were being put beyond use. The Americans gallantly suggested that they put them in a place where Russian spy satellites could pick up the images, which is why this airbase was chosen. When you think about the effect that war and politics has on the landscape, it truly is remarkable - even the Great Wall of China is a (slightly more elegant) symbol of a clash of civilisations.

These B-52s are still being used, actually. The ones in the middle have been disembowelled to begin recovering the metal from the airframes. Why? To fuel civilisation's massive demand for mobile phones. Basically, the grade and quality of metal from a 20th century airborne killing machine is available at a far lower price than getting the metal out of the ground. And these bombers are made of exactly the right metal to make mobile phone circuitry. So next time a cheery Phones4U salesperson hands you your new Nokia, consider that a decent part of it may once have spent its life disgorging bombs over the treacherous skies of Hanoi, Kandahar or Baghdad.

Image: Copyright Google Maps